What I Wish I Would Have Said by Lilla

What I Wish I Would Have Said

Lilla Orme

 

         There are a lot of things I wish I would have said to you. Things I was much too cowardly to say before. I assure you, most of them aren’t pleasant. But that really shouldn’t come as a surprise to you.

            What did you really have against me anyway? I know I never did anything to you. In fact, all I ever did was invite you my house for parties and movie nights. I wanted to be your friend. For a while, I thought I was.  You didn’t take long to correct me, though, did you?

            I’ll never understand the reason that people, especially girls, feel the need to put others down. That’s one thing I wish I would have asked you; Why? Did it make you feel better about yourself? I can’t imagine why you’d need to. You were pretty, and when you weren’t being your evil alter ego, you were actually really nice.

Maybe you just got caught up in the idea of popularity, something else I could never quite figure out. Why on earth would anyone give up real friends who cared and worried about them for girls who were only waiting to stab them in the back and take their place in the food chain.

My Mom told me people like you were jealous, though at the time, I couldn’t figure out what of. I was awkward. My hair was unruly. The boys never seemed to like me the way they liked you.

Back then, I wish I would’ve said I hate you, that I wish I’d never met you. Now, however…now I want to thank you. Because if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have the drive that I have now: to be better, to prove you wrong. I never would have discovered how much I really do have for you to be jealous of.

I also want to say how sorry I feel for you. Because one day, when you’re older, you’re going to wish you had made real friends, wish you had someone to lean on when you feel alone.

Now, many girls like me who’ve experienced girls like you are bitter. They think of the day you’ll need their help because on that day, they’ll turn you down. Lucky for you, that’s not me. If one day you really need my help, I would pick you up, dust you off, and get you back on your feet.

Wait? What? Earlier I said I hated you. What’s going on?

I know you’re confused. I know you expect me to be bitter, but the truth of the matter is I’d help you because it’s the right thing to do, because I’m not vindictive, I don’t enjoy others’ pain.

I can tell what you’re thinking. I can almost hear you saying to yourself, “If that were me I’d….”

But that’s just the thing. That’s just the reason I would lend a hand:

I’m not you.